Lists For No Reason #2: Five Things I Would Tell Myself If I Knew I Was Listening

Five Things I Would Tell Myself If I Knew I Was Listening:

1) Your to-cut-or-not-to-cut hair debate is boring for other people. I mean, everyone loves a good "Styles That Are Good For Your Face Shape" article, but just because your best friends have a high tolerance for your yattering does not mean that you should take advantage. Your time with them is precious. Do not waste it (or at least not often) on explaining your inner debates about layers and bangs.

2) You are probably not going to be a professional figure skater, ballerina, actress, or aerial fabric...-er. You should start the process of trying to get over that sometime soon.

3a) Life is short. Throw out the uncomfortable underwear.

3b) Picking wedgies is likely considered an unattractive quality in an intern.

4) Putting more vegetables on your plate than you used to is not actually the same thing as eating more vegetables. Also, if you are going to make New Year's Resolutions involving your diet, you should probably do some of the grocery shopping, or at the very least take stock of what is in the refrigerator on a daily basis. Food that is delicious and good for you will probably not levitate into your lunch bag. But thank you (and you're welcome) for the imagery of carrot sticks and ants-on-a-log sack racing in Ziploc bags.

5) Giving pretend interviews in the shower with Conan and Ellen about the bestselling novel-turned-hit screenplay that you just wrote is not helping you a) Get to work on time, or b) Write a bestselling novel or screenplay. Unless you are planning to write the bestselling novel or screenplay The Girl with the Delusions in the Bathtub. Also, you will probably never be interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio. That is a pipe dream. Nobody cares what your favorite swear word is. Also, you are not going to be a professional actress. (See #2.) I don't even want to go into the Academy Award acceptance speech. Yes, writers sometimes get those, but from what I understand, they usually have to write a screenplay first. (See "b" of this section.)